Help, Rather than Blame, Our Loved Ones

Hi all, we are now in our Family Month, where we ponder upon our relationship with our loved ones. One common problem observed in interpersonal relationships is our tendency to blame others, which started ever since the fall of the first man and woman. Adam blamed Eve for causing him to sin (Gen 3:12), and Eve blamed the serpent (Gen 3:13). Aaron blamed the Israelites for forcing him to make them a golden calf idol (Ex 32:22-24). We too often shift the blame to Satan for deceiving us, to the church for not shepherding us well, and to our family members for hurting us. Of course, not all blaming is unreasonable. Sometimes, it is indeed the fault of the devil and the weaknesses of the church and our family members. But we also need to reflect upon our tendency to blame others, especially our family members who are close to us. Could it be that sometimes we blame others in order to protect ourselves? Or we blame others so as to escape from our own responsibilities? Or we blame others because our interests have been compromised? Will blaming our family members make the situation better? Rather than blaming others, how can we do anything constructive to help our family grow and improve family relationship?

It is not helpful if we merely blame others.

When we look at the example of Adam and Eve, we read in (Gen 3:11-13), And he said, “Who told you that you were naked? Have you eaten from the tree that I commanded you not to eat from?” The man said, “The woman you put here with me—she gave me some fruit from the tree, and I ate it.” Then the Lord God said to the woman, “What is this you have done?” The woman said, “The serpent deceived me, and I ate.”

Here, we see that:

1) When we blame our family members, we also easily end up blaming God.

In order to save his own skin, Adam put the blame of eating the forbidden fruit on Eve. But in the course of doing that, Adam also indirectly blamed God, for he said, “the woman you put here with me” made me eat it. His indirect implication was if God had not given him the woman, then he would not be misled by her to eat the forbidden fruit. We all know that it is God who gave us our family members. Thus, when we keep blaming our family members, up to a point, we may also start to blame God for giving us someone who is not good for us and who harms us. We may also mistakenly think that God is not good and He is powerless to save us from the problematic interpersonal relationship.

2) When we blame others, we also easily run away from the responsibility we should bear.

When we see how Adam blamed Eve and Eve in turn blamed the serpent, it was as if both of them were innocent parties, with no wrong of their own at all. Certainly, the serpent indeed had deceived and tempted Eve. However, Eve also sinned on her own, as she indeed ate the forbidden fruit and gave some to Adam and encouraged him to eat. Even though Adam and Eve had been tempted, they were the ones who succumbed to the temptation and disobeyed God. Not everyone who is tempted will end up sinning, Adam and Eve could have chosen not to give in to the temptation, but they chose to sin. Thus, they too need to bear the responsibility for their sins.

Today, as we blame our family members for whatever reasons, it may seem as if we are only the victims of their inconsideration and sins, but we have no responsibility of our own to bear. People tend to like portraying themselves as the victims, for then they seem to be the ones who are right and don’t need to change themselves or apologise for anything but only receive the compensation of those who wronged them.

However, a blessed and spiritual person will always examine himself, to reflect upon any responsibility he should bear too. If he discovers his sins or areas for improvement, he will also admit his wrongs humbly and be willing to change. A self-righteous person will only think it is always the fault of others but never his. Yet, a humble person will not just put the blame on others but also examine himself.

3) When we keep blaming others, it will lead to a vicious cycle.

When people are blamed, they naturally get defensive and start to find reasons to shift the blame to others too. Consequently, people may end up mutually accusing one another. And as the one being blamed becomes more and more accused, he may lose the strength to improve or change his ways. Then, as he keeps on disappointing us, our anger and bitterness toward him may increase, such that we blame him even more. With more blame, his accusations grow and his strength weakens, he fails even more, our disappointments increase, then we blame him more and the whole vicious cycle repeats. We see this endless blame game happening in many problematic marital and family relationships.

Rather than blame our loved ones, we should help them.

While it is easy to blame people, even if we manage to find out who is to be blamed, it may not solve any issue. What is important is we need to pray to ask God to teach us if there is anything we can do to help the person or situation. The Bible urged we Christians: Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. (Col 3:12-14)

Even if it is really the fault of others, we can also learn from the example of Christ. Just when sinners are blaming one another, Jesus willingly shouldered the weight of human sins and bore sin’s penalty on behalf of sinners. Can we too extend the grace we received from Christ to our family members and loved ones? Instead of blaming them, can we have mercy on them, forgive them, and pray for them to turn to God in humble repentance? At the same time, even if the fault does not lie with us, we can also imitate Christ to do what we can to provide constructive help to improve the person and situation. For example, if our family members tend to be a bit forgetful, instead of blaming them for things undone, can we help them do certain things, or can we give them timely and gentle reminders? Or if one family member often hurts other family members because of his insensitivity, can we be the peacemaker in the family? Or can we pray for an opportune time to give that family member words of truth and love?

Brothers and sisters, as sinners, it is easy for us to blame others. Although we are surrounded by sinful people including our family members, may the example of Christ inspire us to help rather than only blame our loved ones. With that, pray that all our family relationships will become sweeter and more edifying!