The Marital Intimacy We Need

Hi brethren, I am going to spend a little bit of time to talk about human fulfillment in marriage. Nowadays, it is a very common phenomenal to see family units breaking down.

Just 2 weeks ago, MSF released a data which reported that there are more Singapore couples, especially those recently married, getting divorced. And the report went on to suggest that there are a substantial number of marriages breaking up before their 10th year.

So we beg the question, “Why is this so?”

While some have lamented that young people are not as committed to marriage as before, or it could be due to the stress of career and parenting, the root problem of this can be traced back to man losing what God has placed in a marriage when HE instituted the union of a man and woman.

Now, we know God prior to Him creating the first marriage, HE first pronounced a kind of malediction when HE said: “It is “NOT GOOD” for man to be alone.” With that, we know that God has created man with an inherent need for companionship.

There is of course a part of us that need solitude, but no one can survive with an overdose of it. For one, we are social creatures, we need to interact. And that is why all these social distancing measures and wearing of mask is draining us. But at a deeper level, we not only need to socialize, we need intimacy. There is indeed a need to be intimate with a different gender person, be it mentally, emotionally or physically. And that intimacy has to be an exclusive one. It cannot be a fling, it cannot be a hook up, it cannot be just a sexual relationship with no commitment. It has to be within the constraint of an exclusive marriage.

Now, when God created the compartment of our heart, there is a place for God, and there is also another place for a different gender person which we could enter into a covenant of marriage, where the deepest intimacy happens. And God saw that as beautiful.

Yet, with the threat of sin, marriage has become a dangerous place, where we could receive the deepest wounds and disappointment. Whether it is fornication, same sex marriage, or sexual immorality of any kind, it threatens the glorious institution of marriage. It doesn’t give the kind of intimacy that God has created and intended. Rather, it only satisfies the flesh with no true human fulfillment. It only destroys our values and dignity as the image bearers of God.

Yet, what we are seeing now at this age is the product of deviating from a God ordained marriage. So rather than looking at all the sins committed against marriage, let’s ask the critical question, i.e. How does God create intimacy in a marriage? Is it just about sex? Is it just about companionship? Or emotional satisfaction?

Now, we will get the answer from <Ge 4:1>. Over here, it shows us plainly what is marital intimacy. And I am going to read to you from ESV (English Standard Version), which gives you the original text and its direct meaning.

<Ge 4:1>: Now Adam knew Eve his wife, and she conceived and bore Cain, saying, “I have gotten a man with the help of the Lord.”

A very simple verse, but a very beautiful verse to start off with marriage, which I think many people could have missed. Now, the verse that really caught my attention is: Adam knew Eve. What an expression! And she became pregnant from that knowing.

Now, it’ s not as if I could meet a girl on the street, and I say: “Hi, nice to know you” and then she became pregnant. Surely it’s not that kind of knowing, right? It definitely meant much more than that, isn’t it?

Now, the intimacy in a marriage is actually described by the bible as “knowing each other”.

Now, how many a times we thought that intimacy is just about sexual union? How many a times we thought that marriage is just about a biological act of producing another child? We miss the “knowing” which God has intended in a marriage. When God uses the word “Know” – Adam KNEW Eve. God is actually telling the married couples a simple fact in our creation, i.e. without knowing, there can never be true intimacy. You can have your fling, you can hook up with another girl, now that’s not knowing. That’s probably just animalistic.

God wants the marital relationship to be about “knowing”. God wants the marriage to be sustained through “knowing”. God wants children to be produced from two married persons knowing each other, not just having sex to conceive. As God has shown, the “knowing” of a man and woman precedes conception. It precedes our career, it precedes division of labour at home, it precedes all other peripherals in a marriage.

And the reason why marriages are breaking down is because the “knowing” element has been greatly weakened. It’s mostly nowadays about pleasant sensation, superficial feelings, or goals directed. And that is why the stress of career and parenting can easily cause a marriage break down. Why? Simply because we are not interested to know and keep knowing each other in a deeper sense.

How many a times we hear the wives say:

“He doesn’t talk to me.”

“He doesn’t listen to me!”

How many a times do you hear the husband says:

“Her attention is all on the kids, or on the tasks at home. She is not concerned about my needs!”.

Now, both are lamenting about the same thing. i.e. My spouse doesn’t KNOW me. So gone is the intimacy in a marriage when our knowledge of each other doesn’t grow. Instead, tiredness, frustration and disappointment just take over, and marriages break down.

Testimony:
Now, I’ve been married to my wife for 18 years. There are many things I know about her, for instance her habits, her temperaments, her threshold. Yet, there are so much more things within her that I am discovering every day. And with new challenges in life, as our kids are growing up, when the demands of life increases, I realized I have to catch up with knowing her. And because my focus is on knowing her, peripherals don’t get in our way.

So my brethren who are married, don’t give yourself excuse that you’re too busy. Spend time in quality communication. You have to be deliberate in walking deeper into each other’s heart. Don’t be contented with the status quo in your current marriage. If you stop knowing your spouse, if you merely get used to him or her, intimacy will stop happening. Have a blessed time praying for your marriage.